What Society Showcases
With the prevalence of social media in society today, everyone has a platform to voice their opinions. We are bombarded with persuasive media and easily influenced by brands, often unknowingly. Everyone has something to say and discerning wisdom from the rubble can be laborious.
An especially common buzz word on the internet is the term “influencer”. Although the prerequisites to becoming one are unknown, they offer unsolicited advice in a particular area. For instance, “They say you really should post around three blogs a week to stay relevant” or “You really should post daily on social if you want to make traction with your online audience”.
Who even are “they”? Why do we give them and their ideas so much attention? I can’t be the only one having fallen victim to these absurdities.
Ladies and gentleman, guess what? This is your life. You own it. You get to make the rules and then decide if you follow them. Post once a week, three times a month, or twice in one day (God forbid).
You get to be whoever you want to be. You get to do whatever you want to do.
Other People’s Opinions are None of Your Business
I find myself along with so many others falling victim to other people’s opinions. More specifically, their opinions as it relates to how I should be living. The unsolicited advice goes as follows: Graduate college then get a full-time job. While you’re working, fall in love. After a few years, get married. Practice good saving habits and in no time, you can have the down payment for a house. After the house, comes children, several dogs, and a Suburban.
I have no problem with this narrative except when it is pushed on my life. We each get one existence for which we should be good stewards of our time, our influence, and our accomplishments. How we do this looks different for everyone and that is the beauty.
“They” have exactly zero say in how I live my life, you live your life, and she lives hers. You do not have to apologize or play small for living a life that other people do not understand.
Trust Your Tribe to Guide You through the Shadows
It’s about this time when you start to ask, “But Al, are you saying I should never care what my mom or best friend or sister has to say?”
No, not at all. This point is incredibly important. Seriously, I cannot stress this enough. It is imperative that you have a sounding board of people in your life who you can trust to tell the truth about things you might not see or are purposefully avoiding.
You know what I’m talking about– you know exactly what I’m referencing. That boy you probably shouldn’t be dating but just love so stinkin’ much that you’re going to anyways. That major you’re pursuing (which you don’t really like) but everyone in your family was a nurse and teachers don’t make much money. So you take on a life sentence of living out other people’s dreams because it’s scary to go against the grain.
Yes, it is totally scary! If it feels unnatural to live in a way that inconveniences others and lacks in their approval, you are working in the right direction. When I tell acquaintances and some relatives that my post-graduation plans are to go abroad for five years and teach English, most people have no idea how to respond. Even some of my closest friends, who I love dearly, question my sanity as it relates to this decision.
When it comes to something as pressing as your life, you have to engage in the first – and often, most difficult- step. You must dare to leap outside what is familiar to yourself and others in order to live a life unlike any other. As a byproduct of this decision, you will likely face disapproval for living outside the lines. Resist the temptation to second guess and compare yourself to others. Put your head down, eyes on your own paper, and keep running your race.
“If you want something you’ve never had then you must do something you’ve never done.”
– Thomas Jefferson
Trade Comparison for Confidence
I’d be lying if I said that I never felt the tendency to compare. Ha! Let’s get real here, sister. Comparison creeps into my mind like a thief in the night. It knows exactly what genre of comparison I am likely to believe and will struggle with most to disprove.
Naturally, there will be things that other people do/have/experience that you are going to envy. In the personal development space, this is often referred to as a trigger. You cannot change the trigger because it is out of your control. However, you can change the way in which you react to the trigger. For example, when I see a woman with smooth, blemish-free skin, my natural reaction is to feel insecure about my appearance. This insecurity stems from years of acne. I have struggled to maintain clear skin since I was an itty bitty 5th grader.
Instead of feeding myself garbage like “I wish I had her flawless skin” or “My skin never looks that way without makeup”, I have to change my response to the trigger. Assertions like “I am fearfully and wonderfully made”, “I are worthy and deserving of love exactly as I am”, and “There is nothing to prove and no one to prove it to. I am loved” all serve as excellent substitutions. It is most effective to identify your trigger(s) ahead of time so that you can prepare these statements in advance.
I know these steps may sound ridiculous. It seems so simple and obvious yet the majority of us are overwhelmed with comparison. Any change you want long term starts and ends with intentionality. Remember, consistency compounds. The more frequent something is done, the less you think about doing it.
Put on Your Personal Development Work Boots
There’s a lot that I’ve learned on the topic of comparison and even more I’m still working to implement. At its core, ditching comparison begins with learning to love the woman starring back in the mirror. Every. Single. Day. Without exception.
How do you start? You identify your personal brand of comparison. Become aware of your triggers in advance so that you can face them head on.
None of this is easy nor is it quick. Personal development is a whole hell of a lot of work. It is a lifestyle. Personal development means committing to the best future version of yourself even when she isn’t yet visible. It requires starting over again and again after every failed attempt to implement change. Personal development is an endless journey with the best version of yourself waiting at the finish line.
This is a thought I remind myself of often: If 50 years from now, you find yourself unhappy with the life you’ve created, whose fault is it? Your mamma’s? Your pastor’s? Your relatives’? No. 50 years from now, the life you have will be a direct reflection of the decisions that you’ve made.
Choose wisely.