I think back to my high school years. That girl seems unrecognizable compared to any version of my 20-something self. She lacked confidence, felt constant insecurity, and tied her worth to fleeting moments. She shopped at Aeropostle because she thought it’d make her cool. She laughed at jokes she didn’t find funny and listened to music that made her appear ‘hip’ (the sheer fact that I just said ‘hip’ should solidify my level of coolness). She pursued relationships that never felt right and constantly sought validation outside herself.
She experienced heartbreak. No one warned her what lie on the other side of love (or perhaps, more accurately, that which she deemed love). She hadn’t the faintest clue of the difference between falling in love and being infatuated. When her world collapsed, she had no idea the pain attached to picking up each piece. She was certain that her heart was permanently broken and needed proof (from someone besides her mom) that this too shall pass.
Can you relate? Have you ever tied your worth – gave your whole heart away – for it to come back bruised and beaten. Although painful, these chapters teach lessons that leave an impression long after the initial impact. There is no one remedy to heartbreak. The road to healing manifests differently for each of us.
Whether you are 16 years old dreaming of marrying your high school sweetheart or approaching 23 years more single than ever, here is what I want you to know:
1. Your worth does not fluctuate.
- You are not a scale nor are you the stock market; you are a human being. Your worth will always and only be defined by you. Do not surrender this decision to anyone outside yourself because it will surely lead to feelings of inadequacy. No one can make you feel poorly without your permission and tough conversations should not involve demeaning words or demoralizing feedback. Take time to evaluate where you stand in relation to your self-worth scale.
2. You are whole.
- I used to dream of meeting “my other half”. I thought that prince charming was one football player, glass slipper, and bad boy away. Although it is a charming sentiment, the phrase has brainwashed so many into believing a false reality. It suggests that our future partner has something we need and until we find him, we should spend our days longing for that which we do not have. This narrative is garbage. Your person should bring new and interesting enhancements to your life…..enhancements. In the meantime, you are whole all on your own. You can and should live your life in the interim.
3. Define yourself first.
- Write your own story before picking up the pen in someone else’s. Figure out who you are, what you like to do, and how you spend rainy days before pursuing a partner. When we commit to someone, we shift the focus towards figuring them out and figuring out ourselves with them. Singlehood is a very important pre-requisite to a successful future relationship. How can we ask others to know us without first knowing ourselves? Take yourself to dinner. Sit in silence. Travel outside your comfort zone. Your future self will reap the benefits of today’s investment.
- One small, simple way to determine if you’ve spent enough time with yourself in singlehood is by asking: What are 15 things that bring me immense joy? Things that others may not understand but make you immeasurably happy. It is very important to pinpoint these activities ahead of time so that they can be incorporated into daily life often. Your list shouldn’t consist solely of elaborate experiences. On the contrary, it should contain ideas that can be easily recreated on a Tuesday afternoon. For example, a slow cup of coffee, lemon water and your favorite Spotify playlist, or hitting golf balls at the driving range.
Above all, I want you to know that love is not given on good days and taken away on bad ones. You are worthy of unconditional love. You deserve commitment – you deserve a man that can commit to you. Until we grasp this narrative as truth over our lives, we will continue to seek confirmation and approval from the people around us.
I want you to live a vivacious life free of bondage from other people’s opinions. Let’s take back the power and be our authentic selves, quirks and all. You have so much to offer the world and any man that struggles to see your worth – for even just a moment – doesn’t deserve your precious time. I pray that you have the courage to get out of the trees long enough to see the forest for what it truly is.
Xoxo, Al