The Theme of 2020
Why I haven’t started writing sooner, I’m not sure. Nor do I know the cadence for which these posts will continue. Maybe every day? Every week? Regardless, I am trying to press “publish” more often so that I stop agonizing over the sounds and syllables of every single sentence.
As author Glennon Doyle remarks, “Publish over perfect”.
Today, my mind wanders and has set up camp here: 2020 will be remembered for this one thing. Yes, birthdays still happened. Graduations still occurred. Babies were still born. And yet, when we reflect on this time, we will always remember it for language like quarantine, shelter-in-place, social distancing, and The Virus.
A Year of Uncertainty
I’ve started to refer to this year as one of uncertainty. Everyday, I am reminded of the little control I have. Despite this truth, I find refuge in knowing that God is still good. He is sovereign. His grace showers over me. He’s got my back.
This last week has been full of unexpected u-turns, change of plans, and a handful, I must admit, of sob sessions in which I sat in my quite home, alone, with a glass of wine in hand. I let the silence overwhelm me. I allowed my mind to wander towards whatever thought caught its attention. It settled on the future. I reminisced on my perfectly laid plans. I cried as they crumbled. 2020 was laughing as my house of cards collapsed.
After about 20 minutes of sulking in the sadness, a sense of deep relief consumed me. I heard myself say, “Ally, you are not so powerful as to hold total authority over your life”. Bless. I had created so much pressure and anticipation around “the next right step” for my life that I had forgotten: I am not the lighthouse. I am the sailboat.
Contrary to popular opinion, the world is not our oyster (not even yours, soon-to-be college grad). We are not so powerful as to have the ability to both make and ruin our own lives. In the stillness of my small townhouse, I found great comfort in this truth. My best laid plans are still up to God’s timing.
A Quest for Answers
Instead of answers, let’s seek out truth. This idea of answers insinuates there is a right or wrong, a definite conclusion. In contrast, truth lays out the unshakable facts and from there, allows us to choose our attitude, direction, and mindset moving forward.
I have no answers to offer – any assertion would be mere speculation. However, I find comfort in knowing that we all share the uncertainty. Our togetherness brings me hope. We are not alone. We will navigate 2020 blind-folded but together. Once again, I am seeing the power of words like we, us, and ours manifest in a hurting world.
May your best laid plans fall apart. May your house of cards crumble. May 2020 teach you to first resent uncertainty and later embrace it. We must be undone in order to be reborn.
“We must first be undone in order to be reborn”
– A